twinkly*moments

Thursday, November 06, 2003

questions and maybe more.

who can ever think of what they will experience in one year?

i never thought that my life would become like this. i am in the hazy borders of insanity. maybe. i don't know if i lived everyday to the fullest. i don't know if i succeeded in anything or i'm yet again another one of life's failures and regrets. all i know is i tried. all i know is i gave my all. judge me if you may. i don't care.

i have drifted farther away. they always, always say that one can never be too far from Him. really? who can you trust? what can you trust? how do you trust? and how far is far? when is enough's enough? i always say i'd be someone He can be proud of- someone He could call His own without whispering it with shame. But how? goodness. how does one know? is it just a feeling? you FEEL it is so and so it is? isn't that too risky? too egotistic? too unreal? i thought feelings were just the excess baggage we cold do without. if so, what then? how does one know? how does one know that he or she is doing the right thing? how we tell the difference? are they are clear as black and white? could there be gray areas? if yes, what are they?

i can't please everybody even myself. and yet everytime i do something, i always catch myself thinking of what others would expect from me and how i could disapppoint them. yeech. expectations. can anybody be really void of expectations? and how come even if we know that we cannot please everyone, we end up still trying to do that impossible task? i still catch myself thinking of the few votes against me. less than 10, but enough to dent my sensitive self-esteem. i think of the why's and the could be's and the maybe's. maybe i am not capable. why don't they give me a chance. could i have been wrong.

i don't know if my semester turned out great. it certainly has been a rollercoaster. up, down, twist, turn, up, down, twist, and turn again. there were surprises. there was laughter; there were tears. in all the commotion in my head, in my dreams, and even in real life, i still managed to make new friends and rekindle the old ones. ah blah. i don't know even know i'm talking about.

the title fits perfectly. there will always be questions. i don't know about the answers, though. and yet again, there will always be something more.

Posted at 11/6/2003 11:39:42 pm by sleepwalking
speak up! :) Permalink

Friday, November 07, 2003

bampira

Paano kaya mabuhay?

Masarap nga ba talagang mabuhay?

Pakiramdam ko,

Itong mga nakaraang araw,

Patay ako-

Walang malay na gumagalaw sa mundo.

Para akong iniihaw-

Mainit, masikip sa dibdib at masakit pero,

Wala akong pakialam.

Nakakaramdam ngunit manhid pa rin.

Para akong kinukulam-

Nagtataka sa naiisip at nagugunita,

Kumikilos nang labag sa kalooban,

Nagsasalita nang hindi naiintindihan.

Para akong inuuhaw-

Laging naghahabol sa mailap na pangarap,

Laging naghahanap ng kasagutan,

Kasagutan sa lahat ng tanong ko.

Bakit nandito ako?

Bakit nariyan ka?

Sino ako?

At sino ka?

Para akong nasa dilim-

Bulag, manhid at bingi sa

Mga tao at buong paligid.

Isang larawang walang nilalaman.

Para akong lumilipad-

Lumilipad papalayo sa nananakit sa akin,

Lumilipad papalapit sa walang hanggan.

Patungo talaga saan? Ewan.

Kung ganito ang mabuhay,

Paano kaya ang mamatay?

Para rin kayang iniihaw,

Kinukulam, Inuuhaw,

Nasa dilim at lumilipad?

Baka iisa lang…

Ang mabuhay at mamatay

Ay iisa lang.

Posted at 11/7/2003 11:06:03 pm by sleepwalking
speak up! :) Permalink

Saturday, November 08, 2003

clueless

i didn't know what she was going through. i always had to fight the urge to tell her "i told you so." but no. i accepted and respected her decision. i supported her in the only way i knew.

reading everything and imagining what it could have been like, i really wish i had stood by my opinion- that that bonehead of a guy is no good.

are we really suppose to experience pain in order to appreciate a good life? i mean, not all things in life are worth experiencing. some are even dangerous. and i believe that if learning is what one is after in an experience, isn't there such a thing as observational learning? but still, why do people still go ahead and pave the way toward their own miserable lives? are our lives really meant to be miserable or are we dwelling on the misery too much that we can't see the good in anything anymore.

i don't know if i can give that much trust to intuition. or to myself for that matter. ugh. this sucks. who can ever move a step farther from the starting line when he or she can't trust his or her feet to take him or her to the finish?! this really bites.

i wish i could have helped. and here i am again thinking of the what if's and if only's. bleh. that won't take me anywhere, and it sure won't change what happened. only thing it does is make me feel even more guilty, more irresponsible, less a friend to her. but the question there is, if i had been able to do something, would that have made a difference? would i have prevented whatever happened?

i hope i find the courage to trust again. i hope i find the courage to accept the fact that life is really a bed of roses- petals, stems, leaves, and THORNS. i hope i can see through clear glasses. i hope i can listen and not just hear. i hope i can be.

in reality, i might have known but i didn't stop her because i knew she needed to learn some things on her own. if that may be the case, then not all learning is as simple as bandura's theory. not as simple as observation. in the end, we could still be clueless to what happened. in such cases, we just make do. and get on with life again. with a smile. with trust. one step at a time.

Posted at 11/8/2003 11:09:43 pm by sleepwalking
just did :) (1) Permalink

Sunday, November 09, 2003

pagmumuni-muni

Sana lang talaga.

Bakit ganun?

Bakit kaya kung ano yung talagang nais mong gawin

Iyon ang hindi mo magawa?

Bakit kaya kung sino pa iyong minamahal mo ng lubos

Siya pang walang malay na buhay ka pala?

Ano ba talaga?

May sayad na yata ako e.

Ang dami dami kong pinapasukan na sitwasyon.

Ang dami dami kong iniisip- mga kung anu-anong bagay.

Ang dami dami kong nararamdaman- lahat iyon ‘di ko maintindihan.

Naliligaw ako. Nalilito at walang mapuntahan.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko.

Sh#t! ayoko ng ganitong katayuan!

Diyos ko, maawa po kayo.

Tulungan Niyo po ako.

Saan ako papunta?

Anong dapat kong gawin?

Anong dapat kong maramdaman?

Marami pa akong tanong- makulit at walang “sense”,

Pero mga tanong ko pa rin iyon.

Sana may makakasagot ng mga iyon.

Hanggang panaginip na lang ba ako?

Doon na lang ba ako aasang nandoon ang mga hinahanap ko?

Sh#t! ‘eto na naman ako.

Nagmumura.

Pero kung tutuusin, wala pa ‘yan sa mga pagmumura ng iba.

Ngunit bakit ang sama ng pakiramdam ko?

Nagkasala na naman ako.

Nangako pa man din akong araw araw kaming mag-uusap.

Naku po! Patawarin Niyo po ako.

Sabi nga e, tao lang ako.

Pero, “excuse” ba ‘yon para ‘di Siya kausapin?

Ni ‘di ko na Siya dinadalaw at

‘di ko na rin nakikita mga “kapatid” ko.

Galit po ba Kayo sa akin?

Huwag na po, please?

Hay. Puro musika na lang inatupad ko.

‘di na nga ako nakakapag-aral ng mabuti.

Marami na akong pinabayaan.

Kaya siguro pakiramdam ko, pleasure is sin.

Hay. Buhay.

Sige. Sabi ko ‘di ako magpupuyat.

Ayaw ko nang magpuyat.

Pero nandito ako, gising pa rin.

Posted at 11/9/2003 11:09:05 pm by sleepwalking
just did :) (1) Permalink